We Translated Summaries of Books into Shakespearean Because Why Not

It is officially Talk Like Shakespeare Day, and indeed, mine hearts swells with the joy of knowing that the globe (hehe, get it?) shall be filled with the prattle of a London of yester-year. Let the language of The Bard wash over you like a soft, lilting strum of lute wrapped close and played tender on the fingers of a vision. And, in the case your mental faculties may have disregarded the signs, I was, indeed, the Shakespeare girl at my high-school. Indeed, my roles in The Bard’s illustrious plays included none other than Hamlet in his eponymous play.



The Bone Houses by Emily Lloyd-Jones

Churlish Ryn cares only for family and her drear work. The care of graves, and under her watchful eye doth dead men sleep in earthen beds. Yet, in the dead of dark nights, they awaken from their cold slumber to become bone houses, the monstrous handiwork of a hex, a dark pall laid across the land. And tis through a cursèd wood the lass must lead a map-making lordling, this Ellis of mysterious origin, to reach the diseased heart of the wood, the malady upon the mountain. Shall thou, fey jinx, grasp thine secrets to thine bosom until the final turning of the page? Shall thou, fair reader, pour thine-self into the sheaves of parchment to be enchanted and ensorcelled? Methinks thou shall…


Rule by Ellen Goodlett

A crown in jeopardy, with but one of three bastard girls who could wear it. These princesses may seem but innocents, yet their hands are crimson stained. Amongst the shadows, hidden in brambles like a great hateful raven, lies a croaking betrayer. A black-mailer, with knowledge of the secrets bastard princesses keep hidden behind simpering smiles and simmering scowls and cloaked in the piteous bobbing of a brow. Shall the betrayer be brought forth from a cloak of conspiracy? Shall these princesses three be enthroned with crown upon brow, or shall their brows be removed, slit cleanly from the butcher’s block?


Teeth in the Mist by Dawn Kurtagich

Beware the shadows of late-evening, when thou hast tucked thine-self into bed. Thine quilts and coverlets shall not serve as armor enough.

Young, fair Zoey, foolish girl, quests to see the ruins of Medwyn Mill. Alas, she and her loyal friend are not the only cads to be drawn, beckoned by the heavy quaint hills. The halls are not yet deserted, and the sighs doth echo down ruined halls.

A century before poor hapless Zoey makes fatal entrance to Medwyn, Lady Roan is but a ward arriving to be beckoned to the safety of a mysterious benefactor. A plot revealed, an ancient secret, and a trap for unsuspecting souls. Hold tight to thine courage, oh reader.


An Assassin’s Guide to Love & Treason by Virginia Boecker

Lady Katherine, her father killed for following the Roman church, dons the disguise of male dress to complete her father’s vengeance and carry through the murd’rous plot to lay Queen Elizabeth I into an earthen bed. London, her streets gritty and dense, shall be the place to complete the vindictive stratagem, the conspiracy for the crown. When The Bard’s own play, to be honored by the presence of Her Majesty, presents itself, the Lady as a man must take part. Yet the play becomes ploy as spy and shadow master Toby Ellis takes stage opposing Katherine. Lovers on a star-crossed pathe, identities confused, and betrayal colder than winter’s blowing breath, ‘tis a plot designèd to entice.


The Hearts We Sold by Emily Lloyd-Jones

Lady Dee Moreno hath not hope, nor dreams. With cantankerous filial relations and a purse empty as a poor-man’s bowl, she finds she must make a mad deal with a demon, a great Beelzebub who offers an exchange for her heart, still beating in her breast. The lady finds herself in the grips of a plot larger than all her aspirations or mental visions could have conjured, her dreams a mere shadow by compare. And a charming knave doth catch her eye, but a heart she has no longer to offer. And yet what love might blossom?